Random Thoughts

TMZ - TMZ has learned Coolio has just been arrested at LAX for possession of crack cocaine. We're told the rapper was going through a security screening to get to his Southwest Airlines flight when a screener found crack cocaine on his person. Sources close to the situation tell us Coolio -- real name Artis Leon Ivey, Jr -- got physical with the screener at some point during the incident.

Do me a favor and tip a 40 tonight for Coolio, ask the DJ to put on fantastic voyage and grind up on some bitches. Peace out till Monday....

(This photo is real)

Time.com - There's poop everywhere! Y-u-c-k," says 6-year-old Jordan Lien as he and his family dine at the Modern Toilet, a popular Taiwanese restaurant chain that's expanding into China and other parts of Asia. The boy was looking at the poop-shaped lights and dish covers and the curry on toilet-shaped plates.  Diarrhea for dinner? That's the point. "It's supposed to shock and confuse the senses," says Modern Toilet manager Chen Min-kuang. The servers bring your meal atop a mini toilet bowl (quite convenient, as it brings the food closer to your mouth), you sip drinks from your own plastic urinal (a souvenir), and soft-swirl ice cream arrives for dessert atop a dish shaped like a squat toilet.  "It's very progressive and irreverent, like a practical joke," says junior high school teacher Chen Kin-hsiang, who went because her students raved about it.

See it’s articles like these that make me feel old.   Sure in my younger days I would have loved to go to a restaurant that made me think of diarrhea while I ate.   But I just don’t roll like I used to anymore.   Now I’m more concerned with the food tasting good than I am with getting my system shocked and confused with piss, puke and shit.     Oh well I guess it’s just part of the aging process.   Pretty soon I’ll be moving to Florida and eating dinner at 4pm with the old folk.   

Alert! Alert! Alert!   Two weeks from today is our 5^th annual March Madness Party at the Place.   In case you’ve never been this thing is an all day drinking/gambling hoopapalooza.  It starts at 12 noon for the first tip and goes right till the final buzzer around midnight.    Traditionally I lose at least 10 grand during the day and eat 17 of those personal pizzas that they make there which is always fun.    So if you consider yourself a Stoolie this is the one party you don’t want to miss.   Just drinking, gambling and the obligatory “Coppenrath Sucks” chants like god intended.   And hopefully the Superfans will be playing that day too as well as the Wolverines after they win the Big 10 Tournament.

Dear prez,

It's been a while since you had a lame or not on the blog so i'd like to put one out there. Here is a toast to perhaps one of the tastiest no alcoholic beverages that tastes even better with alcohol Arnold Palmer's lemonade/ice tea. Absolutely delicious all my friends drink it and everyone ive introduced it to has loved it. With a few empties I a made this three chamber bong that hits like a dream what do the stoolies think, same or not?

-Rick

I appreciate the email because you’re right we haven’t had many lame or not lame submissions lately.  And I got to be honest.  It’s one of my favorite games here at the Stool which is lame in and of itself.   Anyway as far as this Arnold Palmer bong goes, I think it has to be voted lame right?   But just because you reminded people to send shit in I’m going to vote a 7 for you.    If I was high maybe a 10.  

Do you have borderline lame shit to send us?  Let the Stoolies decide!  Anything over a 6 wins a free shirt.  Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com.   

BBCuk.com -- A Chilean man with a broken leg was arrested at Barcelona airport after his "cast" was found to be made of cocaine not plaster, Spanish police say. The 66-year-old carried six cans of beer and two hollowed-out stools that also contained cocaine, they add. The police statement said officers were investigating whether the injuries were inflicted intentionally "to facilitate trafficking through security checks". Spain is a key entry point into Europe for cocaine from South America.

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Listen if I were in the drug trafficking business this is exactly the type of guy I’d want on my team.  He’s 66 years old, intentionally breaks 2 bones in his leg, makes a cast out of cocaine, then tries to smuggle himself through an airport.  I mean that is just tremendous heart and determination. He makes Kirk Gibson look like JD Drew.  So yeah, he might have gotten caught, but this type of effort should serve as an inspiration to any young, up and coming drug smuggler with a bag of blow and a dream.  As a wise man once said, talent alone won’t get you to the show. 

Click Here For the Answer

The only question is whether I want this to be our first dance song, last dance song or the song the First Lady walks down the aisle too. Hmm, it's a toss up. Ah fuck it we'll just play it for all three...

Reader Email

We are a group of competitive individuals who play to win, regardless of
the kind of competition we are in.  We joined this dodge ball league
because it looked like it would be a lot of fun.  So far it has been, but
I don't think the rest of the league is having as much fun as we are.
Hence this letter we received today from the league.  Enjoy.

Greg

Dear "Balls Off The Dome"

For the past four weeks we have received numerous complaints about the
game play and sportsmanship of your team. After speaking with referees and other New Hampshire Sports and Social Club (NHSSC) officials, it has been determined that there are some issues that need to be addressed. We at the NHSSC try to keep a positive playing environment and promote goodsportsmanship. However, this can only happen when the rules are properly
followed.

Our league is based on an “honor system” policy. We always ask team
captains to review the rules and make sure everyone on their team has
reviewed the rules. When everyone is familiar with the NHSSC rules, this
“honor system” works quite well. We also promote this as a social league
with fun, friendly competition and an opportunity to meet new people.
Those qualities are supposed to be more important than the competition
itself.

The NHSSC has existed in Portsmouth for 7 seasons of various sports and we have never had the problems and issues we are experiencing with your team.Some of the complaints we have been receiving include; constantly
directing foul language at opposing players, swearing and yelling at the
referee, and obvious attempts to hit opposing players when they are not
looking, walking off of the court, or standing on the sideline. This
behavior is unacceptable. It undermines the spirit of the league and has
made playing the game not enjoyable for some. We have receivedcomplaints from every team you have played and every referee who has worked your games. CONSIDER THIS YOUR LETTER OF PROBATION.

Please make note that we at the NHHSC expect everyone to abide by these
rules. After numerous violations the past few weeks and having NHSSC
officials speak with you on a couple of separate occasions, we have had no
other choice than to formally address these issues and notify you of
upcoming disciplinary actions that will take place. The following actions
will result in individual ejection from the game:

* Swearing, arguing or gestures made towards any NHSSC referee or
official.
* Swearing, arguing or gestures made towards any opposing NHSSC player or team.
* Constant game play rule violations.
* Hitting an opposing player after they have gone out or the game has
ended.
* Any aggressive behavior made towards an opposing player.

The NHSSC referees and officials may use their own discretion in
determining any of these actions. According to official rules, “any player
ejected from two matches shall be removed from the league.”

Please just try to ensure following the NHSSC Dodgeball rules, engaging in
good sportsmanship and having fun while playing. Thank you for your
understanding.

_______  ______
NHSSC Seacoast Division Manager

______   ________
NHSSC Owner/Director

First of all “Balls off the Dome” is a great name for a dodgeball team.  Just great.   Now as far as this email goes this boils down to one major question.  Is this a coed league?   Because if it is you guys are major jackasses.  But if it’s an all men’s league then these pansy asses need to quit whining and hit the weight room.    I mean everybody knows that rule #1 of dodgeball is never turn your back on anybody.  It’s like the first thing they teach you in Million Dollar Baby.  So if somebody isn’t paying attention in the gym you owe it to them to throw one of their face.  It's the rule of the jungle that governs dodgeball not some bullshit honor system. But just to reiterate if this is coed league than all bets are off and you guys are big time losers.

I was going to ignore the whole "Where is Terrell Owens going to wind up?" question. Just let it lay there like a used condom in a parking lot and walk on past like it was never there. But I can't. The speculation on the possibility of TO coming to Foxboro just won't go away. Every media guy, football blogger or talk show calling shut-in is fascinated with the notion of the Patriots being the ones to finally reign him in. Last night on NFL Network a panel of experts were pulling team logos out of a helmet one at a time and speculating on how well TO would fit in with each club. When they got to the Pats, they all went "Ooooh..." and agreed it was an intriguing notion. Same with Mike & Mike this morning, who put the chances of Owens landing in Foxboro at 6-1. And everyone says the same thing: The Pats have the team chemistry, veteran leadership, coach and track record to mix together whatever magic formula it's going to take to finally get this guy to commit to winning.

Stop. Stop immediately. It won't happen. I can't happen and it shouldn't happen. Obviously the Pats have track record of making reclaimation projects out of supposedly bad apples. But Corey Dillon and Randy Moss were different animals altogether, playing for the two most dysfunctional franchises in the NFL and they were totally motivated by wanting to play for a winner. Owens is the polar opposite of those two. A known carcinogen. A toxic, volatile cocktail of selfishness and insanity that you'd be uncorking right in the middle of the Patriots locker room. Remember the talk that "Bill Parcells will the coach who can control this guy"? According to Jerry Jones this week, Tuna and TO never spoke to one another. Not one word. Like Parcells says "I'm too old to coach jerks." And he tolerated Terry Glenn ferscrissakes. Why would it be any easier for Belchick?

It's easy to fall into the trap of dreaming dreams of Owens, Moss and Wes Welker together being uncoverable and TO running free while the scoreboard turns over with Donkey Kong-like scores. But it's just as easy to picture Owens counting his touches, reaming out his coaches, getting up in Brady's face with that wide open mouth head rolling thing he does, and doing that "I love me some ME!" routine on the sidelines. F-that. The offense is fine. The focus should be on getting younger, stronger and faster on defense and not waste resources, time, effort or money on brining this human asbestos to Foxboro.

Eatmedaily - The McGangBang ranks up there in the holy pantheon of WTF. It's a sandwich made from a double cheeseburger and a McChicken sandwich — where you put an entire McChicken sandwich inside a double cheeseburger. It's a creative manipulation of existing menu items, and an exercise in frugality: taking two items off of the Dollar Menu and creating an entirely new sandwich for a total of $2.16. Truly, it's a sandwich that's more than the sum of its parts. In some locations, the McGangBang appears to have become part of the McDonald's employee lexicon — explanation is unnecessary — they know how to make it, much like the off-the-menu items at In-N-Out. The earliest appearance of the term McGangBang was May 26, 2006, on a page on Urban Dictionary devoted to the McGangBang. User jenifurr wrote that it was "originally started at Daytona Beach ISB McDonalds" — but this version used two cheeseburgers and a spicy chicken sandwich (total of $3.21).

Oh my god!  How have I never heard of the McGangBang before?   This thing is awesome!    And by awesome I mean gross, but who fucking cares?   This is just one of those things that everybody should eat before they die.   In fact mark this down.  Before I get married in October I will eat a McGangBang and then shit it out AC Slater style.   Seriously what's that old expression? Get busy living or get busy dying? Well it's time to start living.

Chris Rock once said "Hockey is like heroin. Only drug addicts do heroin. It's not like a recreational drug... Only hockey fans watch hockey.'' Which is 100% true. And anyone who knows me knows I'm definitely not a hockey junkie. I mean, I'll watch the playoffs. And most of my formative years were spent watching every Bruins game and collecting the Topps mini comic book series. But I'm a recovered hockey addict. Somewhere during the Jacobs-Sinden 30 Year Plan to Build a Champion Out of Two Superstars Surrounded by 15 Goals-per-Season Pokecheckers Who Work Cheap, I lost my hanker for a hunk o' hockey.

That said, I went to the Bruins game last night. I won the tickets the night before at Barstool Trivia Night (Note to El Pres: I pulled Nomar's career hit total entirely out of my ass) and took my son. And after one night at the Garden, I'm ready to declare that the Bruins have the best fans in the city, period. They're diehards. They're into the game. They know hockey. They're not pollyannas; when the Bruins went flat at the end of the 1st period and couldn't get the puck out of their own end, the crowd gave them a kick in the ass. But after 37 years of futility, there's none of that smug sense of entitlement you get out of, say Pats fans. Unlike Fenway, there are no pink hatters B's fans. No "Sweet Caroliners." The Bruins played a lousy game against the team with the worst road record in the NHL, but there was no one like the guy sitting behind my 7 year old at Fenway last year who screamed "You suck!!!" at Jon Lester every 3rd pitch. (That would be the same Jon Lester who survived cancer. And was an emergency starter in that game pitching on short rest.) The crowd hung in, rocking the place until the final horn, unlike the miserable cow at Gillette who shushed me and my brother or the guys in front of us who sat through the OT thriller against the Jets like they were watching C-SPAN. And almost to a person, Bruins fans are normal blue collar guys, hot puckbunnies and kids, not a suit & tie wearing, sideline-seat-occupying Celtics game Beautiful Person anywhere in sight. Like the couple (and huge Barstool fans) sitting next to me who went out of their way to be nice to my kid. That Bruins fans are like this after a generation of not having much to root for is pretty goddamned remarkable. The bookstores might be filled with volumes about how special and wonderful Red Sox fans are, but I'll take the Bruins crowd any day. I just hope they... and I... finally get something worth rooting for.

LEHIGH ACRES, Fla.– Authorities said a man intentionally ran over another man who was trying to save a parking spot at a gas station on Monday. The Lee County Sheriff's Office reported that the victim was standing in a spot to reserve it for his wife at the Murphy USA gas station.  The man saving the spot told deputies that he held up his hands when another man pulled up to the line, but the man drove forward and hit him in the knees.  When the victim yelled at the man to stop, authorities said the suspect pulled forward and hit the man again, causing bruising and swelling. Other witnesses backed up the victim's story.  The suspect was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery.

Listen everybody knows if you’re going to save a parking space for somebody you don’t stand in the space and start directing traffic. You do that and I'll guarantee you get mowed down like a Chinese protester. The correct way to save a space is to sit in a lawn chair and listen to Sinatra on the radio.  No lawn chair. No Sinatra. No space. That's just how it works. Anything less and you might as well have a bullseye on your chest.

The Sun - A COMMUNITY nurse bought an artificial vagina for a sexually frustrated disabled teenager. Stephanie Courts made the revelation at a Royal College of Nursing conference in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire. She obtained the vibrating sex aid after the 15-year-old patient, who was severely disabled, became distressed at not being able to satisfy his sexual urges. Ms Courts said the case highlighted a serious issue, the lack of national guidelines for dealing with the sexual needs of physically disabled adolescents... The nurses addressed the problem after consulting the 15-year-old boy’s parents. Ms Courts said the team dealt “professionally with a potentially embarrassing and legally difficult situation”, Nursing Standard magazine reported.

I hear people all the time say that the healthcare system in America is a shambles. Then others say we've got the best system in the world, so I don't know. Those are matters best left to minds that don't spend half the workday searching the net for NFL mock drafts, athlete hijinks and half naked celebrity chicks. I do know this much though. America can't call itself the greatest country in the world until we're willing to do whatever it takes to get 15 year old disabled kids' rocks off. Mind-blowing orgasms are a basic human right, not a luxury. A society should be judged not by the quality of the happy endings available only to the rich and powerful, but by how willing we are to give them to our most vulnerable members. And obviously when British nurses are buying handicapped kids rubber vibrating vaginas, we've still got strides to make. Although if the nurse was really dedicated, she would've given the boy the real deal. He must belong to an HMO.

With Watchmen (finally) coming out today your Uncle Buck has decided to give the Stoolies a fantasy mother-daughter Wake Up with The Silk Spectre (Carla Gugino) and her graphic novel daughter Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman). You may recall Carla from Sin City or Entourage, but if you don't yet know Malin you can check out her very NSFW sex scene in The Heartbreak Kid here...

For Carla click here...

For Milan click here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com