NOVEMBER 20--Meet Brandon Raz. The Wyoming municipal employee pleaded not guilty today to charges that he twice ejaculated in the water bottle of a female co-worker. Raz, 38, was charged this month with misdemeanor battery, stalking, and attempted battery counts after investigators matched his DNA with semen samples taken from the victim's water bottle. According to a Jackson Police Department affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, the woman told cops that her "personal water bottle" was first befouled in mid-September. After drinking from the bottle, which had been on her desk, "the water smelled and tasted as if it had been contaminated by seminal fluid." But the woman did not contact police until October 6, when she again believed that her water had been contaminated. On that morning, she "began to take a drink" and "smelled the contents and discovered once again that it smelled of what she believed to be semen." After preliminary tests matched Raz's DNA with samples taken from the woman's water bottle, he admitted to a detective that he masturbated and ejaculated "into the water bottle belonging to Jane Doe on two occasions"

First of all, Jane Doe (if that's your real name), you can get down off your high horse right now. Don't be acting offended all of a sudden that Brandon was rubbing one out in your water bottle. The time to do that was mid-September, the first time you smelled boy butter in your water. You should've spoken up then. The first time you found Raz' spooge in your Poland Springs then shrugged it off and went back to work like it was nothing, what was Raz supposed to think? He had to assume you were OK with it so he did what any normal person would do: kept on whipping up batches and dropping them in there. I mean, by that point it became what the lawyers would call "accepted practice" by any reasonable standard. You know what I think? I think you had it in for Raz from the beginning, and putting up with his spunk in your water bottle was just a ploy to get him to keep doing it so you could nail him. That's the kind of thing chicks named Jane Doe have been pulling on guys forever.

(Thanks to elvis for the story.)