Stool Samples

If given the chance to see Joe DiMaggio naked or Marilyn Monroe with clothes on, I'd choose the latter. That's why I'll never visit the "Hunted and Gathered" exhibition at a San Francisco art gallery (where else would the gallery be?). For it is there that a full frontal nude photo of Joltin' Joe can be stared at for hours on end:

The image shows DiMaggio, circa 1940, before he became intensely private, in a postgame shower, wearing a goofy grin. Asked how he obtained the photo, Johnson joked to the San Francisco Chronicle, "I have friends in low places." The nude Joe is not for sale. "It's too interesting a photo," Johnson says.

Yes, the man's last name is Johnson. Perfect.

Speaking of johnsons, former male boxer Rob Newbiggin (last name not made up, shockingly) is planning to transform into a woman so he she can box on the female circuit. Her new name will be "Mercedes" leading some to believe she was a huge License to Drive fan. Although it sounds freakish and perhaps dangerous for female opponents, this is not the first time a male boxer has attempted to join the female ranks after a sex change operation. In 1989, Don Flamenco replaced his penis with a vagina and fought under the guise of Donna Flamingo.



There is actually quite a resemblance between the two.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"The big right hander, the Opening Day starter for the fourth year in a row, Aaron Harang." - Dan Schulman

Nothing wrong with this comment, it's just funny to be known as the Opening Day starter for the Reds for four straight years. It's kind of like winning manager of the year for four straight years at Arby's.

"Nothing better than a National League pitcher who can use the bat." - Orel Hershiser

Dangerous words coming from a pitcher turned mad man. Don't let that guy hold a bat.



SI Photo Gallery Missing something ...

Speaking of Dodgers photos, SI.com recently had "Iconic Dodgers Photos" for readers and fans to scroll through. The online slideshow included 24 famous pics, including the day that Brett Butler shook Tommy LaSorda's hand.



And the time Mike Piazza dressed up like a Chicago gangster circa 1928.



There are a few other ones that cause head-scratching, so check it out -- and then wonder how in the hell Kirk Gibson's World Series home run failed to make the list of 24 Iconic Dodgers Photos given that it's one of the greatest home runs IN BASEBALL HISTORY. That's right, I bold-ed those words because I'm so fired up. BOLD-ED!

Jason Brown wants Marc Bulger to get comfy with his ass

The former Ravens lineman turned Rams center explains his philosophy for adjusting to his new quarterback.

“Mainly it’s him getting to know my rear end, and him being comfortable with his hands underneath my rear end ... He’s checking my oil every day.’’

“I’m used to Kyle (Boller) being under there in Baltimore. When you have a new guy back there, it’s like, ‘Easy buddy, be gentle.’ Some guys like to really get under there and raise their hands up, and it’s like, ‘Hey, I’m a person.’’’

Given his recent history on the field, if Marc Bulger crosses the line and touches Jason Brown's fanny too hard, it will mark the first time a quarterback gets sacked by his own center. Gives the Rams something to shoot for going forward this season.

Confirmed: ESPN Sucks the Fun out Sports

This is ESPN's Tweet on their new "social media policy":

"We have been active in the social media space for a while. As our mission is to serve sports fans, we will continue to be active. We are now merely getting smarter about it by providing guidelines to commentators and reporters."

You guys are complete dorks. Quit treating sports like serious news.

Stool Samples is written by Patrick Imig. You can reach him by email at patrick@joesportsfan.com .