Random Thoughts
1. WOLFEBORO — Superintendent Jack Robertson said a Kingswood Regional High School teacher showed “bad judgment” in attempting to inspire her 12th grade English students with an inappropriate essay question last month. Robertson said the principal quickly acted after another teacher discovered — while helping a student with the assignment — that the class of 12 or 13 seniors was asked “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?” “This was not appropriate,” Robertson said, adding the assignment was intended to challenge students to improve their writing.
If you knocked your brother down would you piss in his mouth? What the fuck kind of question is that? I mean it’s one thing to maybe drag a snake on him like Jake The Snake Roberts or shove money down his throat Million Dollar Man style, but who urinates in their brother’s mouth? What does that prove? So I guess I have to agree with the Superintendent here that this was a totally inappropriate question. Listen if you want to inspire your students at least ask them something realistic like whether they’d piss on their girlfriend after sex? That’s how you inspire kids. Not with this fairly land shit. And yes I did get my degree in Education.
2. BOSTON — Police are on the hunt for a man they say is pretending to be a Hollywood producer to get women to perform sexual favors. Police said the man finds the women on legitimate casting Web sites. Then, he sends them a phony script and a six-figure contract. Investigators said the man arranges to meet the women at a hotel in the Faneuil Hall area for an audition. He promises the women the part in the upcoming movie in exchange for sex. Another female agreed to meet the said movie producer at a downtown Boston restaurant. During the meeting, the producer convinced her to act out a seductive scene in the buildings elevator. She got the feeling something was not right and called police. “What I believe is making it believable, there’s so many movies being filmed in Boston and a lot of big actors are coming to Boston, and there’s a lot of hype in Boston, so I think that’s what’s probably giving him a legitimate appearance,” said Lt. Det. Charles Wilson, of the Boston Police Department.
I honestly don’t know who should be more embarrassed here. The chicks who fell for this stunt or the guy who pretended to be a producer? I mean come on dude. Do your fucking homework. What kind of smut publisher/Hollywood Producer meets with chicks in public restaurants and tries to get head in an elevator? Talk about fucking rookie ball huh? Everybody knows this is why God invented the casting couch. How about being a professional for once and putting up some movie posters on the wall and getting some camera equipment in a room or something? Is that too much to ask? And ladies how fucking dumb do you have to be fall for this? This would be like me telling you that you have to blow me to get on the cover of Barstool. Hey wait a minute….
3. NEWARK – Shaheed Wright feared police were closing in on him, authorities say, so he hid his bags of cocaine in his son’s jacket pockets, telling the child that it was candy. And when the boy arrived at his daycare center in Newark on Friday morning, he did what any other 4 year old might: The boy handed the white powder out to his friends. One girl ate it. She was rushed to Beth Israel Medical Center in Newark along with Wright’s son and two other boys from the day care suspected of eating cocaine. They all turned out to be fine and were released to their parents, according to Todd McClendon, a spokesman for Newark Police. He emerged shackled yesterday from Newark Police Headquarters, his hair in long dreadlocks, his face downcast. When asked if he wanted to say anything to the parents of the other children, he looked up for a moment.”I apologize deeply,” Wright said.
What the fuck? Dude “deeply apologized” right? What more do you want from him? It’s not like he knew his kid was going to eat the coke and start handing it out. Not to mention the fact some may say this is good parenting. I mean you know his son is probably knee deep in daycare pussy now. Because if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. Nothing pulls ass faster than having drugs to give bitches. It’s like a fucking automatic to get laid. That’s why I suck at hooking up. I don’t do drugs and I’m ugly locking. It’s a shitty combo to have to overcome.
4. Syracuse.com – Van Buren Elementary fourth-grader Nathan Johns thought his teacher was kidding when he instructed him to go to the bathroom and turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out. The blue shirt read “New York No. 52” on the front and “Sabathia” for the New York Yankees’ pitcher CC Sabathia, on the back. “ I thought to myself ‘Is he serious or is he kidding,’” said Nate, 9, a student in Peter Addabbo’s fourth-grade class. “But he had this look like he wasn’t kidding at all.” Nate complied, and said he was later told to wear it that way until dismissal. At lunch, Nate said the fifth-graders made fun of him because he wearing his shirt inside out. “It was such a horrible day.” Nate said. “I don’t ever want anything like to happen again.” Nate said he felt he was treated unfairly. “Just because my teacher doesn’t like the Yankees I should still have the right to wear a Yankees shirt,” Nate said Thursday after school. The teacher has Boston Red Sox paraphernalia all over the classroom on display, he said. Nate’s parents said they were shocked when their son got home from school and told them what happened. “I was stunned — absolutely flabbergasted,” said James Garrett, Nate’s dad. “I couldn’t believe it. He was distraught. The school preaches all about not allowing bullying, and this really felt like he was being bullied.” Garrett strongly believes his son’s First Amendment rights were violated.
Ohh boo boo hoo. Little Johnny punk ass had to turn his vomit shirt inside out. Dude cry me fucking river. Did the teacher hold a knife to your throat? No. Did he threaten to kill your family if you didn’t comply? No. He told you to turn your shirt inside out and you sprinted into the bathroom like the little pussy you are and did it. Typical spineless Yankee fan. No backbone whatsoever. Just constantly being bullied by the big bad Red Sox in their house and then screaming about the First Amendment after they are left bloodied, battered and embarrassed. It’s disgusting. Losers complain. Winners win. Just shut up and take your whooping like a man.
5. STAMFORD — A group of six women jumped a 25-year-old city woman after her karaoke performance at Bobby Valentine’s Sports Gallery Cafe Wednesday night after starting a fight over her singing quality, or, as Stamford police Lt. Sean Cooney put her, her alleged lack of it. In an telephone interview Thursday, the alleged victim, Leidy Alcantara, said she had just sung “A Dios Le Pido” by Colombian pop superstar Juanes before the attack. Alcantara said she just sang the song and then stood next to the karaoke DJ when one of the women began exchanging words with her. Then it turned violent. “She came up to me and said I was annoying and punched me in the face,” Alcantara said. Alcantara said others pulled her hair and began kicking her, though she said she doesn’t remember much of the assault. Her 24-year-old husband, Robby, said his wife just finished her song and was singing along to another karaoke performer when one of the women confronted and then punched her. “It was very upsetting, and I don’t understand why if someone is going to have that type of an attitude, I don’t know why they’re there,” Robby said, adding that he and his wife were on a dinner date that night. “I don’t know why they have to be so violent.”
Really? Bobby V’s Cafe offers “A Dios Le Pido” on karaoke? Wow! I didn’t know Bobby V’s rolled like that. I mean if your carrying A Dios Le Pido that pretty much means you have the biggest karaoke song selection in the world right? Regardless I can’t say I’m surprised by this story. You pick a song that nobody has ever heard of you better bring the funk. Obviously this lady didn’t and she got her ass beat for it. Serves her right. If you can’t sing stick with the classics. It’s rule #1 of Karaoke.
PS – Where was this chick’s husband during the assault? I see another chick sucker punch the First Lady and I’d be throwing bitches out the window. Unless of course I hooked up with the other chick. Then I’d just slink out the back door. Oops did I just solve another case? Hmm do you think this dude fucked one of the chicks in the assault and that was the real reason for the fight? Viva la Stool!
6. Miaminewtimes – Being a chubby girl on South Beach is a lot like having pigeon toes in a gym class full of Dwyane Wades. With all of those high-heeled model types, it’s easy to feel inadequate. Lorraine Nevot knows that feeling well. The heavyset, 27-year-old teaching assistant says Club B.E.D. turned her away from a Monday-night party because she’s fat. It bothered her so much she posted an ad on Craigslist recruiting other women who’ve had similar experiences. She hopes to file a lawsuit. “If you’re overweight or ugly, they won’t let you in,” she says. “I felt like crying.” Last month, Lorraine heard about a free ladies night at the club. The place is soaked in red lighting and features musical guestssuch as Rick Ross and Brian McKnight. On this night, there was a free dinner. Lorraine thought it sounded fun, so she arrived early with her sister. “We were the first ones there. We were in nice dress shirts, makeup, and accessories.” A woman at the door told them it was too early to get in, so they waited. When other people arrived, the bouncer shuffled the others into the club in front of the sisters. Though they arrived first, the bouncer sent them to the back of the crowd. It happened over and over, Lorraine says. Finally, she confronted the door girl. “Is this because I’m overweight?” she asked. According to Lorraine, the woman responded, “I’m sorry, honey, there’s nothing I can do.” So Lorraine took it one step further: She called police. Cops arrived and essentially laughed at her, she says. They termed it a civil matter and made no police report.
The way this bitch is talking you’d think it was illegal to discriminate against fat chicks or something. Like what did she expect? Obviously you’re going to get treated like a 2nd class citizen and rightfully so. I mean it’s not like the club didn’t let her in because she was black, Hispanic, Jewish or anything like that. She’s fat pure and simple. Nobody wants to be seen hanging around “those types” of people. It’s just depressing and gross. So don’t blame it on the club, call the cops, start a craiglist protest, blah, blah, blah. It’s not their fault you’re disgusting looking. You want to go out in public? Hit the gym and lose some weight and I’m sure they’ll let you in. And maybe just maybe don’t base your social schedule around where the “free dinners” are being given out. Less eating = more civil liberties. That’s what I always say.
7. Telegraph – Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night. “I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw,” said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China. Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol. The snake – 16 inches long and the thickness of a little finger – is now being studied at the Life Sciences Department at China’s West Normal University in Nanchang.
Nice try lady. You almost had me there for a second. Seriously you want me to believe that you just woke up and saw this fucking monster snake climbing up your wall with a foot coming out of it’s asshole and calmly went over and beat it to death with a shoe and then preserved it in alcohol huh? Buulllllshitttt……..Bullllllshitttt…….. Bulllllshitttt……..Listen this is obviously fake. Because there is nobody on god’s green earth who would see this thing and not book it out of the house like a bat out of hell. You don’t fucking confront the monster. That’s crazy talk. Yeah I know it was only 16 inches long but it doesn’t matter. I mean you ever see a garden snake before? Those things are harmless but they still make me piss myself. And those fuckers don’t have mutant feet. So I don’t know what this lady’s game is but I’m onto her ass. Nobody is this tough. Nobody.
PS – One time in college I woke up with a squirrel in my bed. No joke. Climbed right through my window and got underneath my comforter. Probably the scariest moment of my life. I ran like a 1.4 40 yard dash out of my room. I like stories.
8. India’s cricketers at the Champions Trophy in South Africa are being encouraged by their coach to have sex to boost their on-field performance, a newspaper reported on Wednesday. The benefits of sex feature prominently in a secret document circulated among players by coach Gary Kirsten and mental conditioning expert Paddy Upton…the relevant chapter was headlined “Does sex increase performance?”. “Yes it does, so go ahead and indulge,” the document said, before detailing the benefits of a good sex life and even suggesting “going solo” if no partners were available. “From a physiological perspective, having sex increases testosterone levels, which cause an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness,” the document said. “Conversely, not having sex for a period of a few months causes a significant drop in testosterone levels in both males and females, with the corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression.” …If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine,” the document said.
As much as I respect the fine people of India for all the countless hours of tech support they’ve given me over the years, this is utterly preposterous. I thought these people were supposed to be smart. But how can you be if you think sex before a game will help you win? I get the scientific theory they’re espousing here. But still this flies in the face of everything we’ve ever been taught. What did Mick tell Rocky? “Women weaking legs.” What happened when George Costanza stopped thinking about sex? He became a genius. Our whole American culture is rooted in the notion that you can’t think about sex and something else at the same time. If these Indian cricket coaches turn out to be right, then I’ll have passed up sex before countless events… Barstool bowling nights, comedy shows, touch football games, Fantasy Football drafts, golf tournaments, Little League tryouts… for no good reason. It would be a tragedy of epic proportions. Fortunately India sucks at every sport so I think I’m in the clear.
9. BOSTON — A judge in Iowa has allowed a man to be temporarily released from jail so he can go see the Boston Red Sox play the Kansas City Royals. Randy Aaron Barker, of Keosauqua, Iowa, was serving a 10-day jail sentence for interference with official acts and violation of a protective order. He is also a big fan of the Boston Red Sox, KCCI.com reported. Saying baseball games are among the “few pleasures” Barker has in his life, his attorney said Barker had long-term plans to attend Wednesday’s game with his father and brother. The judge said the request was “reasonable under the circumstances” and granted the request.
Only in the fucking midwest could something like this happen. I mean those country bumpkins wouldn’t know how to say no to somebody if it slapped them in the face. “Oh hey you’re in jail for interference with official acts and violation of a protective order but the Sox are in town? No problem. Sure you can go to the game. Just don’t rape anybody and make sure you come back or else we’ll really have egg on our face. Deal?” Hilarious! Sometimes I wonder why I ever moved back East after going to school in Michigan. Because I’m pretty sure I could have been named king by now out there. East Coast people just dominate Midwesterners. Fact.
10. Pittsburgh – Mike Tomlin spent time between the Super Bowl and training camp studying offenses in the NFL and found one he would like the Steelers to emulate: the New England Patriots. “I think the great teams are capable of winning in many forms or fashion and playing to their strengths on a week-to-week basis based on a matchup,” Tomlin said yesterday. “I thought a great deal about that, frankly, this offseason. You study a team like New England, and they walk into a stadium offensively, and week to week they can be whatever they choose to be. They can beat you in three wides, four wides, three tight ends, and it makes them very difficult to prepare for and ultimately beat.”… The Steelers’ offense has a long way to go to reach those proportions, but it does not mean Tomlin and coordinator Bruce Arians cannot aspire to it. “We’ve got a desire to win a bunch of games,” Tomlin said. “We’ve got a bunch of guys capable of making plays. We’ve got three and four wideouts that we’re comfortable with, two and three tight ends that we’re comfortable with, two or three backs that we’re comfortable with. We want to create that same persona.”
I have to give a lot of credit to Mike Tomlin here. I feel bad now about the fact that throughout his entire career in Pittsburgh I’ve been saying he’s nothing more than a figurehead coach and suggesting his headset on the sidelines wasn’t even plugged in. Because there’s hope for him yet. Apparently, Mike Tomlin gets it. He realizes, as all smart NFL insiders do, that coaching in the NFL isn’t done better anywhere than it is in Foxboro. Tomlin knows that even though his club is the defending champs, people are smelling blood in the Patriots water right now, and some are even suggesting that the whole Team of the Decade thing is still up for grabs, that the Steelers have yet to beat the Patriots in January when it counts. That for all their bluster and pride at having 6 rings, the last two represent hollow victories because they still haven’t beaten the best. Tomlin’s candor is refreshing, and dare I say, even cute. The Steelers want to be the Pats in the same way my 3rd grader wants to be Indiana Jones. In the same way my son likes to run around with his Indy hat and whip, Tomlin probably stands in front of the mirror in his office in a gray hoodie saying “It is what it is” too. It’s adorable, really. I’m sure every coach in the NFL feels the same way, it’s just nice to hear one of them admit it for a change.
11. Boston.com - News couple Bianca de la Garza and David Wade are calling it quits. The local morning anchors, who have been married for 12 years and work for competing stations – she’s with WCVB-TV (Channel 5), he’s with WBZ-TV (Channel 4) – confirmed the split yesterday through manager Mendes Napoli. “This is a very difficult time for both of them. Their focus remains today and in the future on raising their daughter,’’ said Napoli, who will continue to represent both de la Garza and Wade. In a Globe profile of the pair last year, Wade said, of competing with his wife for ratings: “For 30 seconds, there was a feeling of, all right, we are going to compete against each other. Does that mean we are going to have ill feelings toward the other. . .?’’ De la Garza said of the rivalry: “It brings out the best in both of us.’’
Well I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming. I mean look at what I wrote back on Feb 21st 2008 when they first became rivals at different TV stations.
"I absolutely refuse to believe that there isn’t going to be some serious hate fucking going on at Wade/de la Garza household. I mean Bianca already basically pissed in her husband’s eyeball with that “He’s a big boy” line. That’s obviously code for I’m going to kick his ass all over the place and there ain’t a god damn thing he can do about it. And you know what? She’s right. How the hell can David Wade compete with a smokeshow like Bianca de la Garza? I give it two years before David Wade throws in the towel on this relationship. There is just no way a man can be a man when his wife is dominating him in the workforce like this. I mean if the First Lady was the Editor of Hustler or something I wouldn’t even be able to show my face in public. Or Spare Change for that matter."
Did the Pres do it again or did the Pres do it again? Seriously if they gave out Purple Hearts for being right all the time I’d have a fucking apartment full of them. I mean it’s like I have a crystal ball into the smut future or something. Anyway you never want to root for divorce when there is a kid involved, but this is still pretty awesome news for the city of Boston. Because if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. The only thing more dangerous than a Big Cat is a Big Cat on the prowl. So watch out Heidi Watney because Bianca De La Garza is coming for your ass guns ab-lazing. (Is that you spell ablazing?)
12. TBO.com - With guns drawn and flashlights cutting through darkened rooms, Polk County undercover drug investigators stormed the home of convicted drug dealer Michael Difalco near Lakeland in March. As investigators searched the home for drugs, some drug task force members found other ways to occupy their time. Within 20 minutes of entering Difalco’s house, some of the investigators found a Wii video bowling game and began bowling frame after frame. While some detectives hauled out evidence such as flat screen televisions and shotguns, others threw strikes, gutter balls and worked on picking up spares. A Polk County sheriff’s detective cataloging evidence repeatedly put down her work and picked up a Wii remote to bowl. When she hit two strikes in a row, she raised her arms above her head, jumping and kicking. But detectives with the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, the Auburndale, Lakeland and Winter Haven police departments did not know that a wireless security camera connected to a computer inside Difalco’s home was recording their activity.
Okay, okay it’s easy to point the finger here and say that these cops shouldn’t have been playing Wii bowling during a raid. But before I judge them I just want to know whether it was Wii Sport or Wii Resort they were playing. Because if it was Wii resort then I kind of understand. After all that game is addicting as fuck. Yeah I know bowling is on both games, but that’s not the point. I mean I know if I walked into a drug dealers house and saw Wii Resort just sitting there I wouldn’t be able to resist giving it a whirl and trying to impressed the female detectives. But if it was the Wii Sport well shame on those guys. That shit has been out for like 3 years now. Get over it and do your job.
PS – I’m probably the best Wii wakeboarder on the face of the planet. I do moves that the people who invented the game didn’t even put in there.
13. Charlotte Observer - RALEIGH A former state trooper wants his job back after being fired for having a drunken sexual encounter with another trooper’s wife in the back seat of a car headed home from a Christmas party. The woman’s husband was in the front seat. Reached Friday at his home, White disputed the state’s account that he engaged in a sex act, saying he only remembers kissing the woman and that she was pressing against him in the back of the car. He said Perdue’s wife made advances toward him and he regrets not resisting. But, he added, nothing he did was worthy of his being fired. Trooper Perdue, who separated from his wife in January, said Monday he had been instructed by a state lawyer not to comment about the case. He said he has also asked his wife not to respond to calls from the media. He indicated the couple might get back together. “We’re trying to work things out,” said Perdue, 32. According to state records, White kissed and groped Perdue’s wife, who then performed a sex act on White. The incident did not occur in a state-owned vehicle, and the troopers involved were not in uniform, according to a patrol spokesman.
So officer Perdue and his wife may get back together and are trying to work things out huh? Umm just as a heads up dude, your wife fucking blew another state trooper in the back your car while you drove home from the company Christmas Party! And you’re going to work it out? Ain’t America great! Seriously though there isn’t too much I ask for in life. But if the First Lady is going to cheat on me I’d at least hope she’d have the dignity not to do it when I’m right fucking there. Is that too much to ask? I mean if you’re going to cheat at least do it with class. That’s what I always say.
14. RIVERVIEW, FL – A Riverview man landed in jail after punishing his daughter. According to an arrest report, 34-year-old Jose Ajpacaja-Ajiataz beat his daughter with a belt, then shaved off her hair. Hillsborough deputies say Ajpacaja-Ajiataz was mad because his daughter took jewelry from Wal-Mart without paying for it and used a Game Boy without permission. The punishment allegedly started on Friday, when Ajpacaja-Ajiataz used the belt on his daughter. The next day, he shaved her hair off. The reports says Ajpacaja-Ajiataz admitted to the shaving, but denied that he hit the girl. Ajpacaja-Ajiataz was arrested Wednesday night on charges of mental and physical child abuse and he remains in the Hillsborough County Jail.
And the pussificiation of America continues. I mean are you serious with this shit? No wonder this country is going down the drain. Finally we get a parent who is takes responsibility for their kid’s actions and and what does he get for his trouble? He gets arrested! It’s like I’m living in a bizarro world or something. What do people want this guy to do? Just be like “it’s okay you robbed Walmart honey. I still love you. Just don’t do it again or I’ll take away your twitter account.” Fuck that! This guy did exactly what he had to do. Your kid robs Walmart you beat them with a belt and code red their ass. It’s parenting 101. Seriously it’s stories like these that makes me wonder how we won the Cold War.
15. WOBURN – A Massachusetts defense lawyer has pleaded not guilty to assault and battery charges after allegedly bearhugging a female attorney. Robert LeBlanc of Methuen was arraigned in Woburn District Court Wednesday and ordered to refrain from “avoidable and intentional” contact with attorney Pamela Saia-Rogers. Both practice in Lawrence District Court. According to a police report, 64-year-old LeBlanc grabbed 39-year-old Saia-Rogers from behind, “wrapped his arms around her midsection just below her breast and pulled her tightly to him pressing his pelvis against her backside” in a bear-hug. LeBlanc’s attorney, Max Stern, said LeBlanc merely gave Saia-Rogers a three-second bear hug and said, “Isn’t She a Beautiful Republican.”
Unbelievable! What a guy can’t give a chick a bear hug and rub his cock in her asshole anymore without it becoming a federal investigation? I mean the guy paid her a freaking compliment. It’s not like he picked her up and was like “Isn’t she a dirty little slut” No he said she’s a beautiful republican. And no offense but how do you not rub your pelvis into somebody when you give them a bear hug? You arch your back and thrust so obviously there is going to be some cock to ass contact. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a girl or guy getting bear hugged. Bottom line is if you don’t want to be bear hugged then don’t sit there with your back turned to this guy shaking your little ass basically begging for it.
16. LONDON – A towering Turk was officially crowned the world’s tallest man Thursday after his Ukrainian rival dropped out of the running by refusing to be measured. Guinness World Records said that 8 foot 1 inch (2.47 meter) Sultan Kosen, from the town of Mardin in eastern Turkey, is now officially the tallest man walking the planet. Although the previous record holder, Ukrainian Leonid Stadnyk , reportedly measured 8 feet 5.5 inches (2.57 meters), Guinness said he was stripped of his title when he declined to let anyone confirm his height. Stadnyk, 39, told The Associated Press he refused to be independently measured because he was tired of being in the public eye.
Boo! Boo! Hiss! Hiss! I want a fucking refund! Seriously what a terrible way to win a fight huh? The other guy refused to be measured? What kind of bullshit is that? See this is why Guinness sucks. This isn’t a popularity contest. You got some 8 foot 5 inch monster running around the Ukraine you go and measure his ass. He’s the defending fucking champion. He doesn’t come to you. You go to him. Because unless he shrunk he’s still the man to beat. So this Sultan Kosen is nothing but a paper champion in my book. It’s like when Mohammad Ali was forced to give up his belt because he wouldn’t go to war. Everybody knew he was still the champ. What a joke. I bet the other guy doesn’t even use crutches to walk which seems like it should be illegal anyway. It’s kind of like a reversal of fortune in competitive eating. Anybody can be 8 feet tall. It’s whether you can walk that matters. Like I said total bullshit.
17. MLB.com – If Albert Pujols is a slam-dunk to win the National League Most Valuable Player Award, Derek Jeter is not too far behind to take the American League MVP Award. When Jeter passed Lou Gehrig’s record that had stood for more than 70 years over the weekend for most hits by a Yankees player, he sealed the deal. Sure, you can argue the honor should go to the Minnesota Twins’ Joe Mauer, or even Jeter’s teammate, Mark Teixeira, but if the Yankees captain isn’t MVP, the voting baseball writers should be investigated. When Jeter collected his 2,722nd hit at Yankee Stadium late Friday night, it was another of those cherished moments in baseball history — like the night in 1985, when Pete Rose passed Ty Cobb’s all-time hits record, or 1995, when Gehrig’s consecutive games record was shattered by Cal Ripken Jr. The legendary Gehrig, also a Yankees captain, was beloved and respected and for someone with the same admirable qualities to now hold this record is fitting. The MVP Award should go to the player whose leadership and value has contributed to his team’s success more than any other individual. Jeter has been that player for the Yankees as they storm to another AL East title. There may be teammates who have higher batting averages, hit more homers, driven in more runs, but no one has been more valuable to the Yankees this season.
So I suppose we can save a couple of trees and not even bother to have an AL MVP vote this year because it won’t be worth printing off the ballots. Or the bandwidth or whatever. I mean, it’s been a fait accompli for months now that Jeter would win the MVP. The national media members have been elbowing aside fashion models, Columbia co-eds, Upper East Side socialites and teenage girls from Flushing Meadows jockeying for position to be next in line to suck Jeter’s dick. Now he’s getting this shameless open mouth facial from none other than MLB’s official website. So why continue the charade? Why let Mauer or Teixeira or Kevin Youkilis or anyone else think they have a prayer? Just engrave Jeter’s name and give it to him already.
After all, you can’t argue with the logic? HE BROKE LOU GEHRIG’S CAREER HIT RECORD. The Yankee one that is. The one that applies only to them. So following that line of reasoning, Vernon Wells should win the AL MVP in 2011 when he breaks Tony Fernandez’ cherished All Time Toronto Blue Jays hits record. Ditto Ichiro when he passes that beloved All Time Seattle Mariners mark held by Edgar Martinez. I’m sure we can all look forward to ESPN cutting into the games when those epic milestones are achieved. And that’s what the MVP award is all about. It’s not about the guy who had the best season, it’s the baseball equivalent of the Irving J. Thalberg Lifetime Achievement Award. The prize we give to the guy who’s never been good enough, but he has been almost good enough for a really long time. And that’s Jeter.
Jeter’s merits are all about intangibles. He’s the scrappy “leader” with the “admirable qualities.” You sure as hell couldn’t elect him on the basis of anything else. Anything quantifiable. I used to think the worst MVP season I ever saw was Kirk Gibson in 1988, when he hit .290-25-76, 106 Rs, 31 SB. And Jeter’s .325-17-63, 101 Rs, 26 SB are eerily similar. The major, whopping, gigantic, 1,000 lb-gorilla-in-the-room difference is that Gibson played at Dodger Stadium, in possibly the worst lineup every to win a championship, and in a time when only East Germans and Ivan Drago were enhancing their performance. Jeter is sitting atop of a $100-something millon batting order in an era of big offense and hitting in the most ridiculous launching pad in baseball since the Rockies started storing the balls in a bread proofer. Oh, and he’s a subpar shortstop at best. But none of that matters. Production, output, you know… actual performance… don’t mean anything this year. You can’t vote for anyone else or else you deserve to be investigated. It says so right on Major League Baseball’s own website.
18. (CNN) – Afraid that her husband will leave her for a younger woman, a 107-year-old Malaysian woman is looking to marry again — for the 23rd time. Wok Kundor has been happily married for four years to her husband, a man 70 years her junior. But since he left their village in northern Terengganu state for a drug rehabilitation program in the capital, Kuala Lumpur, Wok has had a gnawing feeling. “She said that she has been feeling insecure lately and she needs to find out whether he still loves her or not,” said R.S.N. Murali, a reporter for The Star. The English-language Malaysian daily was among several local media outlets reporting on the lifelong romantic. “She is worried he might not come back after his program and find himself a younger wife,” Murali said. If so, Wok has her eyes set on a 50-year-old man, but hopes it does not come to that. “My intention to remarry is to fill my forlornness,” she said. Malaysian media, which has previously reported on the woman, said Wok has been married 22 times. That would make her marriages last an average of four years. Wok would not discuss past relationships, Murali said.
This bitch has some nerve huh? Ohh boo hoo, boo hoo her husband ran away to Kuala Lumpur . Shut the fuck up bitch! Did you ever think the problem was you? Because I hate to break it to you sweetheart but you’ve been married 23 fucking times! I mean the ink hasn’t even dried on the last wedding license and you’re already checking out 50 year old dudes. You want to fill your forlorness? How about keeping your pussy in your pants for a second you little slut. Ever think of that? Seriously you don’t have to ride dirty with every octanagerian who gives you the googly eyes. You’re a housewife. Start acting like one.