The 1980s: The Greatest Decade in Human History
“When to the sessions of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past... All losses are restored and sorrows end.”
- Shakespeare
The Ram: “Goddamn they don't make em' like they used to.”
Cassidy: “Fuckin' 80's man, best shit ever !”
The Ram: “Bet your ass man, Guns N' Roses rules!”
Cassidy: “Crue... Def Lep...”
The Ram: “Then that Cobain pussy had to come around & ruin it all.”
Cassidy: “Like theres something wrong with just wanting to have a good time?”
The Ram: “I'll tell you somethin', I hate the fuckin' 90's.”
Cassidy: “Fuckin' 90's sucked.”
- “The Wrestler”
In an issue of Barstool a few months ago I wrote an article about how as much as most people love to believe that everything was way better back in their day, that’s simply not the case. That while it’s tempting to think the world was once all unicorns, chocolate waterfalls, girls that were dying to put out for you and beer flowing from the faucets, but now it’s barreling along toward the abyss of Hell with its brake lines cut, the fact is that a lot, if not most, institutions we cherish are better now than they ever were. I said it then, and I meant it.
Well anyone who knows me will tell you two things:
1. When I form an opinion on something, I stick to my guns. And
2. I talk out both sides of my mouth and will contradict something I’ve said previously at the drop of a hat.
This is one of those times.
I mean, I fully stand by what I said. In a lot of areas, life is better now than it was before, especially in Boston. Six duck boat parades this decade. The Central Artery is in the history books. Crime is way down. Property values are way up. There’s a free, smutty, bi-weekly sports paper filled with the best content in the city. But that doesn’t mean life as we know it is the best it’s ever been. There was a time not to long ago where civilization peaked. A Golden Age on Earth. The 1980s. The best era in human history and the pinnacle of human civilization.
It’s difficult to describe the ‘80s to someone who wasn’t there. It’s like the legends about Atlantis or the Lost City of Gold. A gilded age, when the most fanciful wishes of even the most humble among us came true, all you had to do was ask. A time when nothing was impossible for a kid with a pair of parachute pants, a Members Only jacket, a fade haircut and a headful of dreams.
The ‘80s was a time of unbridled optimism. When Wang Chung had the audacity to write a song declaring their band name was synonymous with good times and we made it a No. 1 hit, no questions asked. Think that’d work today? Try recording “Everybody have fun tonight/ Everybody Linkin Park tonight” and see how far up the charts you get. But that’s how it was then. No idea was so ridiculous to be successful, so long as it provided a little mindless fun.
If the 20th century and the first part of this one were a high school class, the‘80s would be the kid that was the smartest, best looking and best athlete who got all the girls, but still managed to be most popular with kids and teachers alike because he was just that much fun to be around. And because he didn’t take himself seriously. The ‘80s were impossible not to like. And they’d capture every superlative in the yearbook. To name just a few:
Best Sports Moment. We should’ve known we were in for an unforgettable epoch in human history when it began with The Miracle on Ice. Nothing could ever match it. Especially when you consider all the geopolitical horsecrap going on at the time and that I was a few years away from draft age (which was not out of the realm). Any time I’ve made a mental list of memorable sports moments or biggest upsets or most dramatic wins or whatever, everyone on the list is vying for second place, because this one retired the trophy. If I could go back in time and be anywhere at any particular moment in my lifetime, I’d choose the rink in Lake Placid, Feb. 22, 1980.
Best Movie Comedies. One of the things that prompted me to write this column was the death last week of John Hughes, who captured the ‘80s like no one else could. His movies should be put in a nuclear blast-proof vault to preserve the historical record for future civilizations. Plus you had “The Blues Brothers,” “Ghostbusters,” “Stripes” just to name a few. And like with the Miracle on Ice, any decade that came out of the gate with “Caddyshack” was destined for legendary greatness. But when Hughes wrote the words “No more yankee my wankie, the Donger needs food!" it was the high point of American culture.
Best Bad Fashion Trends. The ‘80s were an All-You-Can-Eat buffet of terrible clothing fads. The aforementioned parachute pants. Zubas. Leg warmers. Acid washeds. Neon. Jams. And best of all, the birth of Socially Acceptable Slut Wear. (Thanks, Madonna!) No look was too ridiculous, and that’s why every nightclub you go to has an ‘80s Night. Trust me, 20 years from now no kid who’s 3 years old today will be putting on an Affliction t-shirt and heading out to a 2000s Night.
Best Goofy Pop Music. I swear this is a true story. I was hanging out at the bar after softball with my buddy Dez when I decided I needed to get something off my chest in a way that only too three solid hours of drinking can do to a guy. “I have a confession to make,” I said. You might hate me for it, and I won’t blame you if you do but I have to tell someone and you’re the guy I trust. Here goes: I secretly like ‘Wham!’.” Without missing a beat and without a trace of irony in his voice, Dez said “‘Wham!’ is my life...” Manly hugs and possibly a single tear all around.
Best Politician. I don’t care what your political bent is; Ronald Reagan was the greatest political leader ever. He was perfect for the ‘80s. He was a little buffoony, a badass when he needed to be, but always affable and in a good mood even when we were in the middle of a crisis. Even people who hated him couldn’t hate him, if that makes any sense. They’d try to, but then he’d be on the news waving his doofusy wave and petting his dog and pretending he couldn’t hear the reporters ask him questions and it was like trying to hate your grandfather. Not that your grandpa should’ve been running the country. But next time you watch “Rocky IV” just keep in mind those people were scared shitless of Reagan. The perfect man at the perfect time.
Best Hip Hop Artist. I didn’t stop listening to R&B because I got too old for it. I stopped listening because they stopped producing Biz Markie CDs. “Just a Friend” was good enough to be Kati Cawley’s wedding song, it’s good enough for you.
Best Bad Action Movie. I just finished watching “The Running Man” for the first time in ages. And it’s possible no 2 hours of cinema ever epitomized an era so perfectly. It had everything. Arnold. Jesse Ventura. Jim Brown (yes, that Jim Brown). Richard Dawson the sleazy game show host portraying a sleazy game show host. Maria Conchita Alonzo, the small-breasted Selma Hayek of her day. And best of all, a futuristic social upheaval led my Mick Fleetwood (yes, that Mick Fleetwood). If there’s one thing we mastered in the ‘80s, it was the art of killing someone in a gruesome way, then firing off a zany one liner. In “Running Man” I counted 11 in all including Arnold cutting a guy with a chain saw then saying “He had to split,” killing a guy named Subzero then saying “Now just plain zero” and burning a guy alive and then saying “What a hot head.” It’s amazing only two stars of this movie ended up getting elected governor.
Best One Hit Wonder. The ‘80s were the boom years for bands that had one hit then vanished off the face of the Earth. A-Ha. Dead or Alive. Tommy Tutone. The list could take up this entire space. But there was one band that came, delivered the greatest song ever recorded in human history, then vanished like a fart in the wind. Dexy’s Midnight Runners may be gone, but “Come On Eileen” still hasn’t left an empty spot on a dance floor since the moment it was released. In a flashback episode of “The Simpsons,” it was the mid-‘80s and Homer just won a Grammy. Lisa says to him “Dad, you beat out Dexy’s Midnight Runners” and Homer says “You haven’t heard the last of them!” I for one am still holding out hope.
Best Sitcom. If someone wants to say that “Seinfeld” which is pure ‘90s is the best sitcom ever, I won’t go to war over it. But a Boston-based show about a bunch of drunken Red Sox fans who sit around all day talking about nonsense? “Cheers” just speaks to me, though I can’t quite put my finger on why.
I could go on, since I’ve got 10 years of solid awesomeness to pull examples from, but I think I’ve made my case. It’s just one of those things where if you weren’t there, no explanation will suffice. If you were, no explanation is necessary. The 1980s were the best time to be alive, ever. And that’s one claim I would never go back on.