From Her Perspective

Jerry Thornton has it all.  He has all the fame, all the fans, all the ladies… it’s a nice life, I bet.  Well, I’m sick of it.  I mean, I don’t get it.  There are literally no differences between us: physically, spirtitually, emotionally – the only thing that I can think of that separates us in any way is this: Jerry Thornton is a football expert.  So if I want to achieve the iconic status that he has, all I have to do is learn everything there is to know about football, right?

Really, I shouldn’t blame this whole thing on Jerry.  Actually, the main thrust of my desire to learn stems from the fact that I am hosting my friends’ annual Michigan/Michigan State party next week, and I’m tired of being the one sitting in the corner, getting quietly bombed and eating football-shaped cookies while everyone else cheers and talks about “plays” or whatever.  I’d much rather sit in the corner, get quietly bombed, eat cookies and be a part of the conversation for once.  I mean, going thirty years without knowing anything about the sport beyond the fact that… well, fine, I don’t know anything, okay?  Jeez.  I guess it is sort of pathetic. 

So how did I become an expert, you ask?  Well, it’s easy.  I started out by buying myself a Patriots t-shirt.  Listen, you can’t be a true fan unless you own a t-shirt, right?  So that’s what I did.  It’s really cute, actually – but it’s not pink, there is nothing more obnoxious than pink sports gear.  Anyway, I digress.  So once I had the t-shirt, the only thing there was left to do was go to the library.  Clearly, that’s the next logical step.

I went to the library to get books out so I could understand the basic ins and outs of the game, get a little background on the history, all that good stuff, and the true nerd in me wasn’t disappointed.  There are tons of books written on football, you guys!  It’s amazing.  I skipped over the football books written for women, which I think is completely stupid.  I also skipped over the books that looked like they would be too hard because, well, I’m lazy and not that smart.  Luckily, I found a whole shelf dedicated to the fundamentals.  I think the librarian was impressed with my selections, as he gave me “the eye” as I pushed my books through.  If I had any idea that knowing about football would make me so cool and attractive, I would have done this years ago.

So out of the mountain of books I had, the one that was most helpful was one written for kids.  The biggest issue I had was understanding what a “down” was.  It just didn’t make sense.  But the kids’ book broke it down in a way that made it, well, pretty easy to get.  And from there, forget it.  I saw that football is actually really interesting, and something I could actually really get into. But don’t worry, I probably won’t be a “fan”, and pretend I’m more knowledgeable than I actually am.  I’ll stick to what I’m an expert on: making out and cheese. 

This weekend, I watched my first game in its entirety without getting bored, which is pretty huge.  I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but I correctly defined the term “incomplete pass”, while wearing my Pats t-shirt, so I think I’m pretty well on my way.  So maybe Pres, Jerry, and the gang should start getting nervous now… I mean, guys, I do have the t-shirt…